There are many effective practices that help promote healing and personal growth for adult children of dysfunctional family systems, adult children of alcoholic/addicts, ACOA, childhood trauma survivors, narcissistic abuse survivors, CPTSD. But few are more powerful and multi-dimensional than physical exercise. The myriad of holistic health benefits of exercise, along with its usefulness in self-discovery, mean that if you only pursued greater physical fitness along your self-improvement journey, you’d still experience massive transformation.

Exercise activates all four of the key pillars in my signature methodology, The REHAB FOR EVERYONE Lifestyle Approach to Healing & Personal Development. The 4 pillars are Boundaries, Movement, Exploration, and Energetic Self-Care. (Learn more about REHAB FOR EVERYONE here.)

If you find yourself struggling to launch into your self-improvement journey, or your healing and growth have stalled – consider adding some type of physical exercise/movement therapy to your daily routine. It doesn’t have to be an hour-long workout; just choose some type of exercise/physical movement routine that resonates with you and commit to a small daily goal you can stick with and build upon.

Here are five reasons why exercise/movement therapy is a powerful tool to jump start and sustain your self improvement journey.

Note: Yoga happens to be a wonderful option because of its spiritual nature, and because many yoga teachers are trained in the psychological benefits of movement. But it’s certainly not the only option.

1. Physical exercise/movement therapy conditions us for the self-improvement journey

We may not be climbing Everest, but at times, the self-improvement journey will feel that way. This journey entails some of the hardest, yet most meaningful work a human can do – and it’s a years-long experience filled with peaks and valleys. If we want to make meaningful change for ourselves in this lifetime, we can’t allow poor or mediocre health to distract our efforts. We must condition ourselves for the path ahead.

Getting physically fit conditions not just our body, but our mindset as well. It makes us more confident and resilient, which increases the likelihood that we’ll power through the challenges  we’re sure to encounter and continue onward with the journey long-term.

2. Physical exercise/movement therapy helps us redefine ourselves through improved health and habit creation

By setting even the smallest of incremental goals around exercise each day, we give ourselves the opportunity to stick to what we say we’re going to do and achieve daily wins – which helps us build confidence and self-trust. Confidence and self-trust, when cultivated, help us replace the old, faulty beliefs that keep us stuck. We transition from thinking: “I am what the dysfunctional people in my life taught me I am.” to “I am a person who puts in consistent daily effort to achieve my goals. I am a person who is in charge of his/her health. I have the power to create change in my life.”

As you see – exercise gives us a concrete daily action through which we can prove new truths/beliefs to ourselves. New beliefs shift our identity and the way we perceive the world around us, which is the pinnacle of self-improvement.

Sticking to our exercise commitments will also reveal actual physical results – better health, more energy, weight loss, muscle growth, hormone balance – which are real-life proof that we are indeed in control of igniting positive change in our lives.

3. Physical exercise/movement therapy reduces stress

Stress makes everything more difficult. It can stall healing and personal development completely because it throws us into survival mode, where we spin in old, dysfunctional habits. And if you struggle with CPTSD and emotional dysregulation, stress makes it harder to cope with triggers.

Learning how to manage stress is critical to forward momentum on the self-improvement journey. Exercise is perhaps the best way to do that due to its ability to reduce stress hormones while stimulating mood-elevating endorphins.

 4. Physical exercise/movement therapy facilitates self-discovery

Physical stagnation leads to mental/emotional stagnation. When we fail to move the physical body daily, or at least on a regular basis, we create stagnation across our lives. We must get all parts of the holistic self flowing freely by moving differently and challenging ourselves physically, as well as throughout our lives – and the most straightforward way to do that is through physical exercise/movement therapy.

Exercise is a powerful cure for holistic stagnation because us bring us face to face with ourselves in ways we don’t expect. In cultivating exercise habits, we’ll observe ourselves succeeding and failing; sticking with it and quitting; testing our limits and being lazy; achieving results and experiencing setbacks. It’s in all these different encounters that we learn about ourselves and determine how best to evolve.

5. Exercise raises your frequency

According to the law of attraction, like attracts like. We are constantly attracting people, circumstances, and experiences that match our current vibrational frequency. So, if we want to create a happier, more fulfilled life, we must learn how to cultivate happiness, fulfillment and other high-vibe beliefs/emotions within ourselves.

Physical exercise/movement therapy is a powerful tool for raising your vibe because even just a little bit improves how you feel; and sticking with it to achieve short and long term results improves what you believe about yourself.

Good or great health vibrates higher than mediocre or poor health. Confidence and vibrancy vibrate higher than insecurity and self-doubt.

So, it’s time to start moving!

We’ve got all the reasons in the world to start a new exercise/movement therapy routine, As you can see, the benefits are plentiful and there’s so much to look forward to as we heal and grow. It’s just so worth it to put in the effort to make it all happen.

Follow on Instagram or Facebook for more education and tips.

The post Self-Improvement: 5 Reasons Why Exercise is Powerful Movement Therapy for Dysfunctional Childhood Survivors, including ACOA appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

People let us down. It’s part of life. But if you’ve survived emotional trauma in past relationships – let down can feel like a devastating confirmation that people, in general, are unsafe.

As adult children, we’re generally quite good at coping with the ups and downs of relationships. Afterall, we’ve grown and developed under conditions that primed us for it.

But as we navigate deeper into healing and growth, our defenses soften and we find ourselves yearning for authentic connection, intimacy and a wider circle. And it’s no wonder.  Relationships and community are some of the most important aspects of life and longevity. Humans have an innate need for love, affection, support and interpersonal joy.  So, as we progress along our own journeys, we must learn to integrate healthy relationships in a functional way.

The good news is, you’ll naturally attract healthy relationships as you heal and grow.

Based on the law of attraction, we’re always going to attract people (and things, opportunities, experiences, etc.) that vibe with our current thoughts and energy. As you improve, so will your relationships.

Just remember to keep up your stamina and prepare for turnover.

Healing lasts a lifetime and there’s A LOT of personal change involved. You’re going to attract (and repel) different people at every stage of your journey. Some people will stick around for the long run. But many will fall away as you grow, upgrade your standards, develop a deeper sense of self-love and self-respect, and become more skilled in setting boundaries.

While this “shedding” of sorts will feel sad and difficult and even threatening at times, it’s critical to (lovingly) let go when the time comes.

Keeping people around when you’ve outgrown them will stagnate your growth and create an environment where dysfunction can fester.

And look, letting go is hard. In fact, our conditioning often compels us to do the opposite. The impulse will be to cling – to abandon yourself to avoid being abandoned.

It’s moments like these when we must recognize our conditioning and act despite it.

It’ll all feel unfamiliar at first, because it’s new. But that’s OK. In many ways, familiarity is what we want to avoid when it comes to healing and growth.

To ensure your conditioning doesn’t sabotage your progress, approach healthy relationships building with intention (and rules). You’ll find both below in my 5 Key Tips for Building Healthy Relationships in the New Year.

(Note: I’m big on setting rules for myself because they help me stick to new behaviors rather than falling back to old conditioning – especially in relationships. So, with each tip you’ll see an example rule you can set for yourself. Use mine or create your own!)

5 Key Tips for Building Healthy Relationships in the New Year

1. Set an intention.

If you’re headed somewhere new in your life, it’s important to know which direction “somewhere” is. Otherwise, it’ll be impossible to make sound decisions and stay on course along the way.

You can determine your direction by visualizing your future. Get started by asking yourself some questions, like: if I had a crystal ball, what would my life look like 5, 10, 20 years from now? More specifically, who are the people around me and what are they like? What do my relationships FEEL like?

Write your answers in a journal. This will serve as your intention, or the guiding light that leads you toward healthy relationships moving forward.

Example rule to set for yourself:

I will honor my intention by having the discipline to reject toxic relationships that hinder my healing and growth.

2. Reject codependent behaviors from yourself and others.

Many of us struggle with codependency, which is when we look to other people to help us define our worth and sense of self. We do this through people pleasing, rushing to help or rescue others, and “performing” rather than revealing our authentic selves.

Codependency is a dysfunctional trait that will work against you in the process of building healthy relationships, because it keeps the focus on other people. It also attracts dysfunctional personalities who detect our willingness to bend to their needs and whims.

Example rule to set for yourself:

When the impulse to please, rescue or perform shows up in my relationships, I will observe and acknowledge that impulse rather than act on it.

3. Determine your own rules of engagement (i.e., set boundaries)

Just like trauma responses, relationship habits are hard to break. Without consideration and planning, it’s easy to slip into old, toxic behaviors (and accept them from others).

So, with your intention in mind, take time to contemplate what’s acceptable and what’s not for you in your relationships. Think about the features of a relationship that make you feel joyful, supported and safe vs. uneasy, anxious and unworthy.  You can also be more intentional about how much personal information you share, how much time you spend with certain people, where you get together, how you communicate…

Keep in mind that everyone has different boundaries and some people have no boundaries at all. You’ll also find that, quite often, people will take offense to your boundaries and react in unpleasant ways. None of this is your concern, though. You set the rules of engagement. If someone wants to be a part of your life, they respect your boundaries. Period.

Example rule to set for yourself:

I will communicate and maintain my boundaries regardless of how others feel about them – because by having boundaries, I am upholding my right to feel safe and at ease in my relationships.

4. Slow down and classify your connections

My husband taught me this one while I was struggling with a new friend a while back. He said to me, “You don’t have to make everyone your best friend. You have to put people into buckets.”

His point was that only some people belong in your inner circle. Others should be kept on the outer rim. And many shouldn’t be let in at all.

In other words, I had to start raising my standards when it came to who got access to my life.

Deep down, I already knew this. But I was ignoring red flags and letting too many people in, too quickly – which set me up for a lot of drama and disappointment.  

Over time, I learned to slow down, get to know a person better, observe how I feel around them, and watch how they behave toward others – before becoming too vulnerable.

Example rule to set for yourself:

I will not give away my heart, mind, time or privacy for free. My life is exclusive; people must earn access.

5. Get Picky About Your Circle

This one’s really an add-on to the previous tip. It’s meant to help shift your mindset and instill a little attitude.

When it comes to people and relationships, some of us (myself included) can default into accepting any kind of relationship dynamic because we just want to make more friends. Quantity gives us a sense of security and helps us feel less alone (and less likely to be abandoned).

Casting too wide a net doesn’t set us up for healthy relationships, though. It sets us up for disappointment because we’re allowing too many people into our lives without running them through an intentional filter.

So, I encourage you to start getting very picky about who you let into your circle. You can do this by determining in advance what your filter allows through. Your filter will take into account your intention, your boundaries, the difference between your inner and outer circle, and how long you’ve known a person.

This doesn’t mean you’re blocking out healthy relationships for fear of hurt and disappointment. It means you recognize your worth.

Embracing these tips, along with an overall focus on healing and personal growth, will spark major change in how you build healthy relationships.

Just remember, it’s a process.  You’re not going to get it right every time. I still fumble when allowing different people into my life. I also catch my old conditioning creep into my behaviors from time to time. But as we become more aware of our tendencies and better skilled in implementing healthy behaviors, relationship dynamics continue to improve.

Relationship building is just one aspect of my healing and personal development lifestyle methodology. Learn more about the methodology by downloading my FREE eBook here.

Also, follow on Facebook or Instagram for daily tips and inspiration.

Pictures taken on a family hike in Glastonbury, Connecticut – Fall 2022

The post 5 Key Tips for Building Healthy Relationships in the New Year appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

You guys, we need to talk about Kravis.

You know, Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker?

The entertainment media is having a field day hyping their relationship as the Hollywood romance of the year. And the duo is certainly playing to all the mainstream attention. But I’m telling you, all I see are red flags!

And look, I know it’s easy to get caught up in the glitz and glam of the rich and famous. But this relationship dynamic is not something we should be idolizing or rewarding with our attention.

I acknowledge it’s tricky to judge. We’re not in the relationship, nor do we get a complete picture from Hulu and social media. But what Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker choose to portray for public consumption is, quite frankly, disturbing.

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A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian Barker (@kourtneykardash)

These celebrities are purposefully sharing aspects of their lives to influence us into watching their show and buying their brands.

So, we as consumers must play our part by responsibly evaluating and discussing what we’re watching. It’s important for our own individual awareness, but also for society. As the people they wish to capitalize on, we must hold all businesses (and that’s what each Kardashian is at this point) accountable. We have to challenge not only their motives, but also the residual effect their messaging has on our culture.

So, let’s talk about it.

The relationship dynamics we see from Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker on social media and reality TV aren’t just cringeworthy, they’re utterly dysfunctional. And the way they behave in front of their kids is emotionally neglectful at best.

We’ll get into the dysfunctional behavior in a sec, though.

What I really want to point out is the commonality between Kourtney Kardashian’s past and present partners.

Scott Disick and Travis Barker have a glaring vice in common – one that’s quite telling about who Kourtney’s attracted to and the role that plays in the behavior we see portrayed on our screens.

If you’ve paid any attention to the 20-year reign of the Kardashians, you know that Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian have 3 kids together and tried for years to mend a broken relationship. Scott’s substance abuse issues led to their permanent separation.

Now, I would give 100% kudos to Kourtney for drawing the line with Scott. I had hope when she finally cut things off and decided she deserved a better partner. But now she’s attached herself to another guy with substance abuse issues (supposedly in his past) and a very strange demeaner when it comes to relational interactions. I mean, the fawning bit is characteristic of his type, but so unattractive if you’re looking for a strong and stable man.

The pattern in Kourtney’s choice of men offers a good example of the fact that there’s no escaping the pull of our unhealed wounds. Law of attraction is always at play; there’s no amount of money or fame that can change that.

So, why is Kourtney Kardashian becoming most intimately involved and committed to men with substance abuse issues in their past or present?

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A post shared by Krystal Vasquez (@kravis4ever)

Why does anyone?

Well, there’s something from her early life experience that’s led to behaviors that attract addicted/impulsive personalities – and make such personalities attractive to her.

I don’t know that we’d ever figure out exactly what’s happened in her past. But I can tell you that someone who’s grown up tending to an addicted/alcoholic, narcissistic, or emotionally immature personality (usually a parent or caregiver) is well groomed to accept similar personalities as friends and romantic partners in adulthood.

(On TikTok, life coach and relationship expert @therealebjohnson outlines why she thinks Momager Kris Jenner is narcissistic – pointing to the toxic, tumultuous relationships of the Kardashian/Jenner children as key evidence.)

Just like all other people, addicts and impulsive personalities pick up subtle cues that tell them if someone will be a suitable romantic partner or friend.

And by “suitable” I mean someone who will tend to their dysfunctional needs and demands.

The self-centered, pleasure seeking, discomfort-avoiding, child-like addict/impulsive personality seeks people who will help or rescue them; avoid making them feel uncomfortable; bend over backward to keep them happy and calm; and stir up just enough drama to keep them entertained but never threatened.

Kourtney Kardashian must fit that bill for Travis. I honestly feel for her. A few months (maybe years) down the line, she’s going to feel trapped. Mark my word.

Now, I have a lot of respect for addicts and alcoholics who’ve been able to get off drugs and alcohol for an extended period and who consistently work on themselves to be better and do better.

People with substance abuse issues have every right to heal and attract a good life. But any addict in recovery will tell you: “once an addict, always an addict.” Recovery lasts a lifetime. Just because someone isn’t using doesn’t mean they no longer exhibit impulsive, self-centered, destructive behaviors.

So, we must hold ourselves and others accountable.

If we realize many of the people in our life have substance abuse problems in their past or present, we have to assess why that pattern is showing up for us.

Really, it’s important to assess all patterns that show up in our lives.

We must also realize that we won’t experience new relationship outcomes until we change our own behavior. We change our own behavior by healing old wounds and developing into more conscious, aware, genuinely happy individuals.

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A post shared by Splash News (@splashnews)

(Check out my FREE eBook to discover my take on how to go about doing that.)

Now, there are a few things in the Travis Barker narrative that point toward healing and growth.

He’s supposedly clean from a debilitating addiction to opioids, alcohol and marijuana. And as a vegan, perhaps he’s somewhat health conscious?

But there’s also a lot of truly cringeworthy behavior we see featured on The Kardashians reality show that leads me to believe he’s simply replaced his drug and alcohol addiction with other things.

And in reeling in Reality Star Kourtney Kardashian, he’s now giving us a front row seat into how that all manifests in a relationship (or the public display of such). And the most disturbing part is that there are kids involved and it’s broadcast all over the world to mesmerize and exploit impressionable people.

Yes, we all have issues. No one is perfect. But society and culture will continue to decline if we glamorize and reward rude, dysfunctional behavior.

So, what are the dysfunctional behaviors leading me to these conclusions? What’s prompting me to warn you that this isn’t normal or healthy…or aspirational?

Well, there are two main themes: inappropriate PDA and loss of identity.

Let’s talk about the PDA first.

The way Kourtney and Travis behave in front of friends, family and the public is pretty rude. I mean, do you not have time alone at home? Or do you save it all for when you’re out to make sure everyone sees it?

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A post shared by The Kardashians (@kardashianshulu)

I’ve personally never related to the whole PDA thing. I think it’s lovely to hold hands or offer an affectionate touch to remind your partner that they’re seen and loved even when other things are going on around you. But Kravis takes it to a whole other level, with complete disregard for the people around them.

Their over-the-top public display of affection is what’s come to define their relationship.

And it’s not just for the public. The way they engage in front of their kids – ignoring their pleas to nix the kissing and touching – is emotional neglect. Just because you’re a celeb with an outrageous drummer boyfriend (now husband) trying to drive show ratings does not mean it’s cool to be sexual in front of your children. And don’t try to pass it off as intentional demonstration of a loving relationship (as Kourtney tried to do in one of her interview segments). There’s a way to set a loving example without making kids uncomfortable. There are multiple scenes in The Kardashians where the kids beg Kourtney and Travis to stop making out or touching in front of them, and the two parents simply laugh it off and continue. This is horrifying parental behavior.

It’s already hard to be a kid in a broken family. Even if the situation is amicable and there are two loving co-parents, the lack of a cohesive family unit will inevitably feel chaotic and scary for a child. Yes, there are worse situations. But just because there’s worse out there, doesn’t mean a broken home isn’t hard. And kids have no control – they just have to cope as best they can.

Now, add on top of the broken home a previously attentive mother now exaggerating and diverting her focus to the new man in her life – despite how the kids say they feel about it. It’s sad, scary and leads to a whole host of issues the kids will have to clean up for themselves in the future.

And then there’s the loss of unique identity.

So, in a healthy relationship, two individuals come together to share a life – to bring their unique selves into a partnership. But Kourtney and Travis seem to have melded together into one person. Not only does Kourtney now dress the part of a rock star groupie, the two don’t seem to let go of each other, even while walking in a group of friends or their own children. They walk into every gathering in a tight embrace; sit down at every group dinner table as if they’re alone on a romantic date; engage in one-on-one conversation while the rest of the party socializes; and choose food and drink based solely on what the other is having.

It’s as if they’ve completely lost themselves in each other and are holding on to their bond for dear life.

This kind of behavior isn’t romantic. It’s exhausting and stressful!

Now, there are some fans on social media chalking this up to #relationshipsgoals. And to that I say, HELL NO! This is not relationships goals! All of this is very odd social behavior.

It’s healthy human nature to consider how our behavior impacts others. Kourtney and Travis appear to be completely disconnected from that.

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A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian Barker (@kourtneykardash)

So, what’s the lesson here?

Well, there are many lessons. But what I really want to point out is how important it is to commit to our own healing and growth.

What we’re seeing in Kourtney Kardashian’s choice of men – particularly the fact that there’s a pattern to it – is quite common. We repeat cycles in many different aspects of our lives until we heal the wounds that perpetuate them.

So, if you’re attracting friends and romantic partners with similar personality traits or life struggles – and you’re consistently disappointed by the quality and outcomes of your relationships – you have to look back to yourself.

How do your wounds manifest in your personality?

What are your toxic traits?

How is your present reflecting your past?

And most importantly, what can you start doing differently to heal and break your own dysfunctional cycles?

As I mention in Heal Your People Pleaser Habit With One Simple Boundary, when you heal and evolve your behavior, many of the people attached to the old version of you will fall away. It’s a difficult but necessary process for improving our lives.

In general, I wish Kourtney Kardashian the best.

I wish everyone the best – especially those young Disick kids who have no control over the spotlight they were born into. But as I said, we must hold “influencers” and businesses accountable. We hold them accountable by injecting discernment into a runaway narrative that’s misaligned with the values that lead to better lives.

The post Kourtney Kardashian modeling dysfunctional relationships appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

In this next episode of the What Healing Looks Like Series, I share a personal story about my recent struggle with anxiety. In this period of time – mostly leading up to the holidays – I lived day after day with an impending sense of doom, mostly centered around personal health fears.

While a steady hum of mild anxiety is sort of the baseline for me, this months-long episode was new and scary.

It took a lot of exploration and experimenting to figure out how to pull myself out.

Well, I was able to pull myself out.  But it took a bit more trial and error than I’m used to.

Anxiety affects the physical body and, for me, is always initiated and exacerbated by stress.

And in this recent experience, my physical body took over to the point that my usual go-to – the power of thought – couldn’t quite pull me out. So, I realized I had to work on my physical body first.

There were 2 specific things I did to calm my physical body down enough that I could then reason with myself.

Then, I could use some amateur (I am not a doctor or therapist) cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on myself. CBT-style practices helped me realize that my excessive worry was not based in reality, or factual evidence.  

Truth is, I sort of feel like anxiety stole the holidays from me this year.

But I gained such valuable, lifelong tools that it feels worth the temporary suffering. And, that’s what suffering can do for us, if we keep an open heart and mind. It can teach us.

I will have these new self-care lessons with me forever. Each time anxiety tries to creep in, I have new, personally proven steps to take. They’ll no doubt help me. And I really hope they help you, too.

I appreciate you being here. Thanks for listening!

The post Anxiety – A Personal Story – Podcast Ep. 2 appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

Setting boundaries lets people know what we will and will not tolerate in our sphere of influence.

Boundaries protect us from people, ideas, opinions, and behaviors that make us feel unsafe or distract from our mission of healing and growth. Therefore, they’re a critical part of the healing journey and a happy, productive life.

In this episode of the podcast, I share the story of my experience starting a local club this past fall. 

I failed to clearly state my vision and rules of membership with the launch of this club. The lack of clarity invited in ideas, opinions and behaviors that distracted from my mission. The distraction made me feel defensive and anxious. But, when I finally did clarify my vision and rules, the experience was far more enjoyable, because I felt safer and empowered in my ability to protect myself and what I was creating.

Needless to say, this was a powerful lesson in personal boundaries. Listen to the full podcast episode to learn more about why boundaries are important, what happens when we set them, and how to handle people’s reactions.

Starting a club reminded me of the importance of exclusivity in all areas of life.

You can’t make everyone happy. If we try to be everything for everyone, we end up a watered-down version of our amazingly unique selves. For anything to be valuable and productive, there needs to be healthy boundaries that essentially define what (or who) it is, and what (or who) it’s for.

So, set boundaries. Be clear on what you will and will not tolerate.

I appreciate you being here. Thanks for listening!

The post Boundaries – A Personal Story – Podcast Ep. 1 appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

People pleaser sounds like an admirable disposition on the surface. However, it’s a dysfunctional tendency that attracts unhealthy relationships and drains us of valuable energy.

People pleasing is a hard habit to shake. The belief that we must do and be things for other people to be liked, loved and secure stems from a deep inner wound. This wound separates us from our innate worthiness, leaving us desperate to fill the void. So, we work tirelessly to earn our self-worth from the approval and praise of others.

But the approval and praise that result from our people pleaser tendencies typically only come from those who detect our need for it. It’s one of the main reasons we end up in relationships with self-centered or abusive personalities.

People pleasers are off-putting to healthy, functional, authentically happy people. The relationships that blossom with people pleasing as a characteristic interaction are not the relationships you’re looking for. So, if your intent is to heal and improve the quality of your life, you must flip the script ASAP.

I’ve improved my relationships 100-fold since healing my people pleaser thought and behavior patterns. It didn’t happen overnight. But there was one powerful rule – or boundary – I set for myself that nipped it in the bud for good.

I’m going to tell you about the boundary and how to immediately apply it to your life. But first, let’s dig into the thought patterns, behaviors and after-effects of people pleasing.

Here’s how I ultimately figured out that my people pleasing was a dysfunctional pattern attracting the wrong people into my life.

The people pleaser in me used to show up as a burst of excitement at the idea of doing something for someone. Whether it was giving away a dress I never had a chance to wear; offering to babysit for free to make a relative’s life easier; or giving gifts and trinkets for no reason at all – the thought of doing something for someone, or to impress someone, gave me this overwhelming feeling of…hope. This hopeful feeling came with a subtle, autopilot-like visualization of the appreciation and closeness I’d receive as a result.

Yikes, describing it that way sounds creepy, right? That’s because it kind of is.

People pleasing is manipulation due to low self-worth cloaked in “do gooder/helper” mentality.

There’s literally no other way around it.

And I don’t say this to make us recovering people pleasers feel badly. Rather, I want to increase awareness of the fact that it’s an utterly useless tactic. People pleasing is a dysfunctional behavior that perpetuates the cycle of dysfunctional relationships.

Of course, at the time I had no awareness of the dysfunctional nature of my people pleaser tendency. I was just going with “what felt right and good” and that was “doing nice things for people.”

The first red flag was realizing it never felt right and good afterward.

People pleasing always left me feeling disappointed, exhausted, and even a bit resentful.

My whole life, I’ve heard friends and family casually throw around, “Oh, I’m just a people-pleaser.”  Usually, they meant this proclamation as a compliment to themselves, or to explain why they’re so busy and stressed, doing things for everyone all the time. As I’ve become aware of what people pleasing is all about, I now cringe at this admission.

So, let’s first break down why people pleaser tendencies are a dysfunctional pattern.

Then, we’ll get into a super simple way to stop doing it, even when the pull to please is so dang hard.

First, when the initial thought arises to do something for someone, or give something away, we must be super honest with ourselves about why we want to do this thing.

There was always a part of me that thought it just felt good to do something nice for someone else. And that’s the confusing part of all this.

It is indeed nice to do things for people – BUT not when there’s (A) no existing socio/interpersonal “contract” or request for such an exchange and/or (B) there’s an expectation of something in return, even if it’s acknowledgement and appreciation, or some enhancement to the relationship status.

Let’s break A and B down a bit more because this stuff’s important.

(A) What do I mean by a socio/interpersonal contract or request?

By “socio/interpersonal contract” I mean there is an existing tradition or agreement for gift-giving or exchange of energy. In other words, you are not coming up with the idea to give something away yourself – culture or society is. Think birthdays, Christmas, weddings, charity events…

Sounds weird, I know. But stick with me here.

If you do or give something to someone outside of these standard social or cultural “contracts”, you are essentially establishing a new contract without informing the other person involved. “I’ll do this for you and I expect you to be happy and appreciative (and like me/make me feel good about myself) in return”. You can see how this is neither balanced nor fair.

Now, you could counter me here and say, “well, isn’t it just nice to do things for people spontaneously or as a surprise? Just because it feels good to make someone else feel good?”

And I’d say, “eh, not really, because then the giving is still about you (not them)”. And if I’m honest, I really don’t like when people give me things or do things for me outside of the traditional contexts. Rarely do I feel authentically grateful, because it wasn’t something I identified a need for in my life – so it ends up being extra stuff or extra interactions I wasn’t planning for that I now need to fit into my time or physical space. And on top of that, I’m seemingly forced to step into a polite demeaner to express gratitude for something I didn’t ask for.

It feels controlling…because it is.

I’d much rather spend time with a person, experience something with them, have hours of good conversation. Don’t bring me cookies. Ask me if I want to spend the afternoon baking cookies with you so we can build and nurture our relationship. If you’d rather not spend the afternoon baking cookies with me, don’t give me anything at all. I won’t be manipulated with gifts. Catch my drift?

I don’t want stuff. And I have a feeling I’m not alone in this.

Anyway, on to (B). And this is where we really need to get honest with ourselves.

If you have a thought to do something or give something to someone, what do you expect in return?

Another way to ask the questions is, what’s in it for me? If the answer is TRULY nothing, you may be in safe territory ( a healthy, mutually giving relationships). But it’s such a gray area. At the very minimum you are probably doing it because you hope it will make you feel good, valued, appreciated or more secure in your relationship with the other person. If you’re early in your journey, the reality of that is probably quite subtle and confusing. It may even come off as an offensive assumption.

But you’re here, so I know you’re open to change and healing. So, let’s keep going.

Let’s get to the simple boundary that will heal your people pleaser habit for good.

In my head, the boundary sounds like this:

I don’t give my time or things away anymore. Period.

What that short statement means in reality is:

I don’t give away my time, money or possessions outside of special occasions where it’s socially or culturally expected to do so. (e.g., birthday and Christmas gifts, bringing a dish or bottle of wine to a dinner party, donating my clothes to charity…). The only exceptions outside these circumstances are: if something is requested of me and I WANT to fulfill that request; if someone is in need and WANTS my help (trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped is a big no-no; more on that later).

I urge you to keep your interpretation and application of this boundary very cut and dry.

Ultimately, what you’ll be doing with this boundary is allowing people to like you for YOU, instead of what you do for them. Those who benefitted from your people pleasing will most likely become confused, frustrated, or uninterested. Let those people go and make room for authentic relationships. Trust the process. It’s so worth it.

At the beginning, the idea of not giving or doing for others (to make them like you) will feel like a loss of control.

Releasing your people pleaser habits will force you to sit with the wound you were compensating for. You will indeed need to face your feelings of unworthiness or unlikability; your fear of being alone or abandoned. And as uncomfortable as that may be, it’s exactly what you want. You need those feelings and fears to surface so you can address them…and heal. This is where it’s helpful to work with a therapist or coach. You’ll want support in processing what you feel and why, so you can resolve it.

Note that the urge to people please will continue to show up. It still does for me. But with this new boundary, you’ll be empowering yourself with a method for recognizing the urge. Recognition is awareness, which gives us the opportunity to do better and finally move forward in the healing process.

Now, there is a bit of nuance here, and I suspect this part will quell the naysayers.

This boundary is not selfish or self-centered. Rather, it’s an acknowledgement of the fact that some people – usually those with wounding and trauma from childhood – have a tendency for adding a dysfunctional spin on the exchange of energy between people. People pleasing is one-sided. Healthy relationships are multi-dimensional and absolutely have a giving element to them. When giving and helping occur in a healthy, functional relationship, the mutual exchange of energy – the back and forth – is baked in without expectation. You give because YOU CARE and reciprocation is a proven aspect of the relationship.

If you’re early in the journey and still struggle with people-pleasing, don’t worry about the nuance yet. Just set the boundary for yourself. With discipline and consistency, you’ll develop healthier relationships and the perceived need to people please will dissolve.

Boundaries is the first of 4 core categories in my REHAB FOR EVERYONE Lifestyle Approach to Healing & Personal Development.

Learn more about the REHAB FOR EVERYONE methodology and download the FREE eBook here.

Thanks for stopping by!

Pictures taken at Turtle Creek Preserve in Essex, CT, along the Connecticut River.

The post Heal your people pleaser habit with one simple boundary appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

­­­­­­­­­­­­Adult child is a term that typically describes adults who endured dysfunction and abuse during childhood due to alcoholic, drug-addicted, narcissistic or emotionally immature parents/caregivers. Examining the term adult child and its associated traits is a powerful step in the healing and personal development process. However, I believe we need to broaden the definition for the benefit of those whose personal struggles originate from less obvious forms of dysfunction and abuse.

My definition, which you’ll read more about in the post below, is as follows:

Adult child: anyone who struggles to thrive in one or more areas of life due to faulty beliefs acquired during childhood.

While I don’t cover it in this post, it’s important to know that thriving in all areas of life is entirely possible for adult children. Learn about my signature approach to healing and personal development for adult children here.

Let’s start with the mainstream definition of adult child, which overtly connects one’s personal struggle(s) with having alcoholic, drug-addicted, narcissistic or emotionally immature parents/caregivers.

The personal struggles that present after growing up in a home with alcoholic, drug-addicted, narcissistic or emotionally immature parents/caregivers are heavy and pervasive. The trauma and inner pain that result from the emotional abuse inherent to these types of dysfunctional family environments have far reaching effects in one’s adult life. The label adult child and its associated traits are meant to help us pinpoint, communicate and resolve those effects.

Alcoholic, drug-addicted, narcissistic and emotionally immature parents/caregivers often fly under the radar.

There are many more adult children than who presently identify as such. Unless a parent or caregiver receives formal diagnosis as alcoholic, addicted, narcissistic or personality disordered, most people remain unaware or in denial of the dysfunction they’ve endured since childhood.

And formal diagnosis is somewhat rare. These types of afflictions go unseen or enabled, flying under the radar for decades or a lifetime. They fly under the radar partially because most alcoholics, addicts and narcissists are covert with highly refined skills in lying and manipulation. On top of their covertness, those who exist within their family systems learn to rationalize and excuse their behavior. It’s a cycle that keeps everyone involved blind and stuck in a fog of dysfunction and abuse.

Some adult children don’t have blatantly alcoholic, addicted or personality disordered parents.

Alcoholism, addiction and narcissism are family diseases/disorders. They pass from generation to generation, to widely varying degrees. For example, your parent may not drink or use drugs. But if their parent(s) did, they likely carried dysfunctional family traits into their own adulthood and parenting, which then impacted you. They can have narcissistic, addictive, or codependent tendencies without having full-blown personality disorders or disease.

The generational aspect doesn’t stop until someone wakes up and sets out to heal, thereby reducing or eliminating the amount of generational pain passed on to their own children. Unfortunately, it’s much more common that people are completely blind to it. This is why it persists for generations. It’s also why addiction and mental health issues have reached epidemic proportions.

If you’re here reading this, it means you’re aware and in a position to break the cycle for yourself and your own family.

Nearly everyone struggles to some degree due to unresolved trauma originating somewhere in their family tree.

As with most things, one’s relation to the term adult child will vary across a wide-spectrum. Your childhood doesn’t need to have been dramatic and entirely dysfunctional for you to have carried traits and/or beliefs into adulthood that now keep you from thriving in the ways you aspire to.

No matter where you fall on the adult child spectrum, healing and growth are possible.

I offer a unique and accessible path to healing and personal development for individuals looking to break through their conditioning and create a truly awesome life. Learn more here.

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