People let us down. It’s part of life. But if you’ve survived emotional trauma in past relationships – let down can feel like a devastating confirmation that people, in general, are unsafe.

As adult children, we’re generally quite good at coping with the ups and downs of relationships. Afterall, we’ve grown and developed under conditions that primed us for it.

But as we navigate deeper into healing and growth, our defenses soften and we find ourselves yearning for authentic connection, intimacy and a wider circle. And it’s no wonder.  Relationships and community are some of the most important aspects of life and longevity. Humans have an innate need for love, affection, support and interpersonal joy.  So, as we progress along our own journeys, we must learn to integrate healthy relationships in a functional way.

The good news is, you’ll naturally attract healthy relationships as you heal and grow.

Based on the law of attraction, we’re always going to attract people (and things, opportunities, experiences, etc.) that vibe with our current thoughts and energy. As you improve, so will your relationships.

Just remember to keep up your stamina and prepare for turnover.

Healing lasts a lifetime and there’s A LOT of personal change involved. You’re going to attract (and repel) different people at every stage of your journey. Some people will stick around for the long run. But many will fall away as you grow, upgrade your standards, develop a deeper sense of self-love and self-respect, and become more skilled in setting boundaries.

While this “shedding” of sorts will feel sad and difficult and even threatening at times, it’s critical to (lovingly) let go when the time comes.

Keeping people around when you’ve outgrown them will stagnate your growth and create an environment where dysfunction can fester.

And look, letting go is hard. In fact, our conditioning often compels us to do the opposite. The impulse will be to cling – to abandon yourself to avoid being abandoned.

It’s moments like these when we must recognize our conditioning and act despite it.

It’ll all feel unfamiliar at first, because it’s new. But that’s OK. In many ways, familiarity is what we want to avoid when it comes to healing and growth.

To ensure your conditioning doesn’t sabotage your progress, approach healthy relationships building with intention (and rules). You’ll find both below in my 5 Key Tips for Building Healthy Relationships in the New Year.

(Note: I’m big on setting rules for myself because they help me stick to new behaviors rather than falling back to old conditioning – especially in relationships. So, with each tip you’ll see an example rule you can set for yourself. Use mine or create your own!)

5 Key Tips for Building Healthy Relationships in the New Year

1. Set an intention.

If you’re headed somewhere new in your life, it’s important to know which direction “somewhere” is. Otherwise, it’ll be impossible to make sound decisions and stay on course along the way.

You can determine your direction by visualizing your future. Get started by asking yourself some questions, like: if I had a crystal ball, what would my life look like 5, 10, 20 years from now? More specifically, who are the people around me and what are they like? What do my relationships FEEL like?

Write your answers in a journal. This will serve as your intention, or the guiding light that leads you toward healthy relationships moving forward.

Example rule to set for yourself:

I will honor my intention by having the discipline to reject toxic relationships that hinder my healing and growth.

2. Reject codependent behaviors from yourself and others.

Many of us struggle with codependency, which is when we look to other people to help us define our worth and sense of self. We do this through people pleasing, rushing to help or rescue others, and “performing” rather than revealing our authentic selves.

Codependency is a dysfunctional trait that will work against you in the process of building healthy relationships, because it keeps the focus on other people. It also attracts dysfunctional personalities who detect our willingness to bend to their needs and whims.

Example rule to set for yourself:

When the impulse to please, rescue or perform shows up in my relationships, I will observe and acknowledge that impulse rather than act on it.

3. Determine your own rules of engagement (i.e., set boundaries)

Just like trauma responses, relationship habits are hard to break. Without consideration and planning, it’s easy to slip into old, toxic behaviors (and accept them from others).

So, with your intention in mind, take time to contemplate what’s acceptable and what’s not for you in your relationships. Think about the features of a relationship that make you feel joyful, supported and safe vs. uneasy, anxious and unworthy.  You can also be more intentional about how much personal information you share, how much time you spend with certain people, where you get together, how you communicate…

Keep in mind that everyone has different boundaries and some people have no boundaries at all. You’ll also find that, quite often, people will take offense to your boundaries and react in unpleasant ways. None of this is your concern, though. You set the rules of engagement. If someone wants to be a part of your life, they respect your boundaries. Period.

Example rule to set for yourself:

I will communicate and maintain my boundaries regardless of how others feel about them – because by having boundaries, I am upholding my right to feel safe and at ease in my relationships.

4. Slow down and classify your connections

My husband taught me this one while I was struggling with a new friend a while back. He said to me, “You don’t have to make everyone your best friend. You have to put people into buckets.”

His point was that only some people belong in your inner circle. Others should be kept on the outer rim. And many shouldn’t be let in at all.

In other words, I had to start raising my standards when it came to who got access to my life.

Deep down, I already knew this. But I was ignoring red flags and letting too many people in, too quickly – which set me up for a lot of drama and disappointment.  

Over time, I learned to slow down, get to know a person better, observe how I feel around them, and watch how they behave toward others – before becoming too vulnerable.

Example rule to set for yourself:

I will not give away my heart, mind, time or privacy for free. My life is exclusive; people must earn access.

5. Get Picky About Your Circle

This one’s really an add-on to the previous tip. It’s meant to help shift your mindset and instill a little attitude.

When it comes to people and relationships, some of us (myself included) can default into accepting any kind of relationship dynamic because we just want to make more friends. Quantity gives us a sense of security and helps us feel less alone (and less likely to be abandoned).

Casting too wide a net doesn’t set us up for healthy relationships, though. It sets us up for disappointment because we’re allowing too many people into our lives without running them through an intentional filter.

So, I encourage you to start getting very picky about who you let into your circle. You can do this by determining in advance what your filter allows through. Your filter will take into account your intention, your boundaries, the difference between your inner and outer circle, and how long you’ve known a person.

This doesn’t mean you’re blocking out healthy relationships for fear of hurt and disappointment. It means you recognize your worth.

Embracing these tips, along with an overall focus on healing and personal growth, will spark major change in how you build healthy relationships.

Just remember, it’s a process.  You’re not going to get it right every time. I still fumble when allowing different people into my life. I also catch my old conditioning creep into my behaviors from time to time. But as we become more aware of our tendencies and better skilled in implementing healthy behaviors, relationship dynamics continue to improve.

Relationship building is just one aspect of my healing and personal development lifestyle methodology. Learn more about the methodology by downloading my FREE eBook here.

Also, follow on Facebook or Instagram for daily tips and inspiration.

Pictures taken on a family hike in Glastonbury, Connecticut – Fall 2022

The post 5 Key Tips for Building Healthy Relationships in the New Year appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

Setting boundaries lets people know what we will and will not tolerate in our sphere of influence.

Boundaries protect us from people, ideas, opinions, and behaviors that make us feel unsafe or distract from our mission of healing and growth. Therefore, they’re a critical part of the healing journey and a happy, productive life.

In this episode of the podcast, I share the story of my experience starting a local club this past fall. 

I failed to clearly state my vision and rules of membership with the launch of this club. The lack of clarity invited in ideas, opinions and behaviors that distracted from my mission. The distraction made me feel defensive and anxious. But, when I finally did clarify my vision and rules, the experience was far more enjoyable, because I felt safer and empowered in my ability to protect myself and what I was creating.

Needless to say, this was a powerful lesson in personal boundaries. Listen to the full podcast episode to learn more about why boundaries are important, what happens when we set them, and how to handle people’s reactions.

Starting a club reminded me of the importance of exclusivity in all areas of life.

You can’t make everyone happy. If we try to be everything for everyone, we end up a watered-down version of our amazingly unique selves. For anything to be valuable and productive, there needs to be healthy boundaries that essentially define what (or who) it is, and what (or who) it’s for.

So, set boundaries. Be clear on what you will and will not tolerate.

I appreciate you being here. Thanks for listening!

The post Boundaries – A Personal Story – Podcast Ep. 1 appeared first on Danielle D'Onofrio.

People pleaser sounds like an admirable disposition on the surface. However, it’s a dysfunctional tendency that attracts unhealthy relationships and drains us of valuable energy.

People pleasing is a hard habit to shake. The belief that we must do and be things for other people to be liked, loved and secure stems from a deep inner wound. This wound separates us from our innate worthiness, leaving us desperate to fill the void. So, we work tirelessly to earn our self-worth from the approval and praise of others.

But the approval and praise that result from our people pleaser tendencies typically only come from those who detect our need for it. It’s one of the main reasons we end up in relationships with self-centered or abusive personalities.

People pleasers are off-putting to healthy, functional, authentically happy people. The relationships that blossom with people pleasing as a characteristic interaction are not the relationships you’re looking for. So, if your intent is to heal and improve the quality of your life, you must flip the script ASAP.

I’ve improved my relationships 100-fold since healing my people pleaser thought and behavior patterns. It didn’t happen overnight. But there was one powerful rule – or boundary – I set for myself that nipped it in the bud for good.

I’m going to tell you about the boundary and how to immediately apply it to your life. But first, let’s dig into the thought patterns, behaviors and after-effects of people pleasing.

Here’s how I ultimately figured out that my people pleasing was a dysfunctional pattern attracting the wrong people into my life.

The people pleaser in me used to show up as a burst of excitement at the idea of doing something for someone. Whether it was giving away a dress I never had a chance to wear; offering to babysit for free to make a relative’s life easier; or giving gifts and trinkets for no reason at all – the thought of doing something for someone, or to impress someone, gave me this overwhelming feeling of…hope. This hopeful feeling came with a subtle, autopilot-like visualization of the appreciation and closeness I’d receive as a result.

Yikes, describing it that way sounds creepy, right? That’s because it kind of is.

People pleasing is manipulation due to low self-worth cloaked in “do gooder/helper” mentality.

There’s literally no other way around it.

And I don’t say this to make us recovering people pleasers feel badly. Rather, I want to increase awareness of the fact that it’s an utterly useless tactic. People pleasing is a dysfunctional behavior that perpetuates the cycle of dysfunctional relationships.

Of course, at the time I had no awareness of the dysfunctional nature of my people pleaser tendency. I was just going with “what felt right and good” and that was “doing nice things for people.”

The first red flag was realizing it never felt right and good afterward.

People pleasing always left me feeling disappointed, exhausted, and even a bit resentful.

My whole life, I’ve heard friends and family casually throw around, “Oh, I’m just a people-pleaser.”  Usually, they meant this proclamation as a compliment to themselves, or to explain why they’re so busy and stressed, doing things for everyone all the time. As I’ve become aware of what people pleasing is all about, I now cringe at this admission.

So, let’s first break down why people pleaser tendencies are a dysfunctional pattern.

Then, we’ll get into a super simple way to stop doing it, even when the pull to please is so dang hard.

First, when the initial thought arises to do something for someone, or give something away, we must be super honest with ourselves about why we want to do this thing.

There was always a part of me that thought it just felt good to do something nice for someone else. And that’s the confusing part of all this.

It is indeed nice to do things for people – BUT not when there’s (A) no existing socio/interpersonal “contract” or request for such an exchange and/or (B) there’s an expectation of something in return, even if it’s acknowledgement and appreciation, or some enhancement to the relationship status.

Let’s break A and B down a bit more because this stuff’s important.

(A) What do I mean by a socio/interpersonal contract or request?

By “socio/interpersonal contract” I mean there is an existing tradition or agreement for gift-giving or exchange of energy. In other words, you are not coming up with the idea to give something away yourself – culture or society is. Think birthdays, Christmas, weddings, charity events…

Sounds weird, I know. But stick with me here.

If you do or give something to someone outside of these standard social or cultural “contracts”, you are essentially establishing a new contract without informing the other person involved. “I’ll do this for you and I expect you to be happy and appreciative (and like me/make me feel good about myself) in return”. You can see how this is neither balanced nor fair.

Now, you could counter me here and say, “well, isn’t it just nice to do things for people spontaneously or as a surprise? Just because it feels good to make someone else feel good?”

And I’d say, “eh, not really, because then the giving is still about you (not them)”. And if I’m honest, I really don’t like when people give me things or do things for me outside of the traditional contexts. Rarely do I feel authentically grateful, because it wasn’t something I identified a need for in my life – so it ends up being extra stuff or extra interactions I wasn’t planning for that I now need to fit into my time or physical space. And on top of that, I’m seemingly forced to step into a polite demeaner to express gratitude for something I didn’t ask for.

It feels controlling…because it is.

I’d much rather spend time with a person, experience something with them, have hours of good conversation. Don’t bring me cookies. Ask me if I want to spend the afternoon baking cookies with you so we can build and nurture our relationship. If you’d rather not spend the afternoon baking cookies with me, don’t give me anything at all. I won’t be manipulated with gifts. Catch my drift?

I don’t want stuff. And I have a feeling I’m not alone in this.

Anyway, on to (B). And this is where we really need to get honest with ourselves.

If you have a thought to do something or give something to someone, what do you expect in return?

Another way to ask the questions is, what’s in it for me? If the answer is TRULY nothing, you may be in safe territory ( a healthy, mutually giving relationships). But it’s such a gray area. At the very minimum you are probably doing it because you hope it will make you feel good, valued, appreciated or more secure in your relationship with the other person. If you’re early in your journey, the reality of that is probably quite subtle and confusing. It may even come off as an offensive assumption.

But you’re here, so I know you’re open to change and healing. So, let’s keep going.

Let’s get to the simple boundary that will heal your people pleaser habit for good.

In my head, the boundary sounds like this:

I don’t give my time or things away anymore. Period.

What that short statement means in reality is:

I don’t give away my time, money or possessions outside of special occasions where it’s socially or culturally expected to do so. (e.g., birthday and Christmas gifts, bringing a dish or bottle of wine to a dinner party, donating my clothes to charity…). The only exceptions outside these circumstances are: if something is requested of me and I WANT to fulfill that request; if someone is in need and WANTS my help (trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped is a big no-no; more on that later).

I urge you to keep your interpretation and application of this boundary very cut and dry.

Ultimately, what you’ll be doing with this boundary is allowing people to like you for YOU, instead of what you do for them. Those who benefitted from your people pleasing will most likely become confused, frustrated, or uninterested. Let those people go and make room for authentic relationships. Trust the process. It’s so worth it.

At the beginning, the idea of not giving or doing for others (to make them like you) will feel like a loss of control.

Releasing your people pleaser habits will force you to sit with the wound you were compensating for. You will indeed need to face your feelings of unworthiness or unlikability; your fear of being alone or abandoned. And as uncomfortable as that may be, it’s exactly what you want. You need those feelings and fears to surface so you can address them…and heal. This is where it’s helpful to work with a therapist or coach. You’ll want support in processing what you feel and why, so you can resolve it.

Note that the urge to people please will continue to show up. It still does for me. But with this new boundary, you’ll be empowering yourself with a method for recognizing the urge. Recognition is awareness, which gives us the opportunity to do better and finally move forward in the healing process.

Now, there is a bit of nuance here, and I suspect this part will quell the naysayers.

This boundary is not selfish or self-centered. Rather, it’s an acknowledgement of the fact that some people – usually those with wounding and trauma from childhood – have a tendency for adding a dysfunctional spin on the exchange of energy between people. People pleasing is one-sided. Healthy relationships are multi-dimensional and absolutely have a giving element to them. When giving and helping occur in a healthy, functional relationship, the mutual exchange of energy – the back and forth – is baked in without expectation. You give because YOU CARE and reciprocation is a proven aspect of the relationship.

If you’re early in the journey and still struggle with people-pleasing, don’t worry about the nuance yet. Just set the boundary for yourself. With discipline and consistency, you’ll develop healthier relationships and the perceived need to people please will dissolve.

Boundaries is the first of 4 core categories in my REHAB FOR EVERYONE Lifestyle Approach to Healing & Personal Development.

Learn more about the REHAB FOR EVERYONE methodology and download the FREE eBook here.

Thanks for stopping by!

Pictures taken at Turtle Creek Preserve in Essex, CT, along the Connecticut River.

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